The room is dark….silent…the way it needs to be.
Silence is so precious now. The world has never really been this silent
for me. Yes, I have often been silent for the world, but it has never been
silent for me. Why should it? I have never deserved silence…but now, I
have all the silence I will ever need. How fitting for me, of all people,
to die in silence.
It begins to rain outside. It is no longer silent.
But it is a good noise. Soothing. Calming. Another thing I have had little of in my life is calm. Around me there has always been turmoil, since as long as I can remember. For a while it seemed as if the fate of the earth depended on me. It could have even been so…no, I know better. That was not me. That was something else entirely. In the grand scheme of things I was meaningless. That is why I should be allowed to die. I had no purpose, so one such as me should be able to choose death.
What is my name? I have been called many names in my life. The Perfect Soldier. The Nameless One. The spirit of outer space, even. There is one name I have used for longer than any other, though. It is the name of a man who strove for peace. That’s ironic, is it not? The perfect soldier, taking the name of a pacifist. The true irony lies in the fact that the real Heero Yuy would have wanted it so that I and all others like me would never have to exist, yet it was his death that made me necessary. He died so I could exist.
A strange way to look at it, I know, but even so it’s one more death that my kind is responsible for.
It’s a strange cycle. History repeats itself, and people make the same mistakes. Wars are started over things that should have been settled many years ago, and more people die that should have been given a chance at life. More often than not it’s the innocent bystanders that are hurt the most
How many more times must the girl die? How many? Tell me, damn it.
Yes, I have tried to atone for that. Many times I have tried to atone, but always the mission has kept me alive. Oftentimes the mission was all I had to hold on to. I knew that once the mission was complete, I would no longer be needed, and I would die. Nothing else really mattered that much to me, not my friends, or my enemies, or my Gundam. When the first mission was over, I tried to die. I did die, that time, but I was brought back because there was a new mission for me. I have always stayed alive because the mission will not let me die. Nothing mattered to me like the mission did.
Not even Relena.
That is why I resisted at first, I think. I knew that the mission would always be my first priority, and that I would sacrifice everything for it, even her. I knew I frightened her when I told her that I’d kill her. Hell, I have frightened everyone at various points in my life, and I believe that at one time or another I have threatened to kill each and every one of the people who are close to me. I’m not going to claim that it’s not my fault because it is; it’s just that killing is all I know. I don’t know emotion. I still don’t know how to deal with it.
It’s just that I thought that one way or another I would end up killing her. I was positive that she would die just like the little girl died, just another innocent bystander who got in the way of the mission. That’s how all the innocents die. They are just in the wrong place, at the wrong time, in the vicinity of the wrong people…and I am the ultimate wrong person.
Yet another reason for me to die. Sometimes I think that God Himself only forced me to live because it was my punishment. People say that God doesn’t exist in today’s world. They’re wrong. I have spoken to both God and the Devil personally.
Their names were Wing-Zero and Epyon.
They showed me the truth of my life, the truth that I was meaningless. The entire time I was their pawn, their machine. Their perfect soldier. The records say that I was the one that saved the earth from the Libra, but that’s not true. That was WingZero acting through me. Even my battle with Zechs was not a test of our talents, but rather the struggle between the wills of Wing-Zero and Epyon. I was only the means to their end, really.
That is what both Wing-Zero and Epyon showed me. Everything else they showed me was truth, so that too has to be truth, right?
They showed me things that no one else knew. They showed me the little girl, walking through the park carrying her teddy bear. They showed me her broken body lying in the rubble of the building that had collapsed as a result of my mission. They showed me her bear, the stuffing ripped out and the eyes lost forever. Both of them showed these things to me, trying to figure out what I had already known. Figuring out that I was dead inside, that I had no emotion left, that I had cried all the tears I could possibly cry for the girl.
video-phone rang, breaking the silence. It was Wufei.
“What was that, Wufei?”
“Heero. Hilde’s. Having. A. Baby. Come. See. Her. I. Gotta. Call. Quatre. Bye.”
It is still raining outside.
As much as the colonies try to replicate the natural wonder of rain, they
can never quite do it properly. It is one of the reasons that Relena and
I loved the Earth so much. She loved it more than most people ever realized,
enough that she gave her life for it. Even before that it could be said
that she’d given many lives for her beloved Earth.
Duo and Hilde are finally taking that gigantic “big step” in their relationship. That step is the biggest because it involves there being more than two people in the relationship, and both of the first two must give the majority of their time not for each other anymore but for the benefit of the third. This always seems to affect people, as many aren’t prepared for it. With Ariana and Shino, Relena was always more of a parent figure than I was. I was just never good at it because I myself had no parents. I have no idea how a parent should act. I know I should protect them, but I also know that they are fully capable of taking care of themselves. Well, at least Shino is….and Ariana, well, she built a Gundam for Christ’s sake.
Relena was always the mother of the family, and Shino was more Ariana’s father figure than I was. He took care of her when I didn’t know how. He would protect her from anything, I believe. That was his mission. I know that they can both take care of themselves just fine.
Now that Relena’s dead, I have no mission.
I’m happy for Duo, I really am. It’s only fitting that he should have someone else he can share his enjoyment of life with. Duo always loved life I believe. Duo was never afraid of our mission, nor did he ever let himself get totally absorbed in it. Duo was Duo. Shinigami, he called himself. The God of Death. He even went so far as to claim he enjoyed slaughtering all of those people. How perverse that he should be celebrating the bringing of a new life into the world after all of the lives he had removed from it. How perverse that any of us ever could. Every time I look at Shino and Ariana I always have to ask myself how I can do it. How can I enjoy this life I have with my family when I had spent my teenage years making wives into widows and sons and daughters into orphans. And all of them into corpses for that matter.
I just wish I could have told them how much I really love them. I wish that I could have been a father for Shino and Ariana, and above all else I wish that I could have shown Relena how deep my love for her really was. She never knew, never believed, that I had any emotion. How could she, when I always hid it like I did. I never wanted to get close to her because I didn’t want to drag her into my world, into my problems. She was too good for that. I tried so hard to protect her from the true horrors of war, and in the end what did that get her? What did I do for her? Nothing, because I failed.
I am meaningless. In the end I never made one bit of difference to her life. I couldn’t save her from dying, and I didn’t make her happy when she was alive. I didn’t show her the kind of love that I needed to. I was incapable of being human enough to show her the love that I felt. That is the one thing that makes me so meaningless. I couldn’t even make a difference in the life of one person.
is beginning to thunder now, and the storm is reaching its peak. The darkness
is occasionally broken by flashes of lightning or the headlights of passing
cars. Otherwise it is still silent in my room. My private hell, now that
Relena isn’t here with me. All this only serves to strengthen my resolve.
I must do what I must do. I must finish what I started that time.
My mission is over. I have failed, but it is over nonetheless. Therefore I have no reason to belong here.
I am holding my gun in my hand. It is the same gun that I have always carried. It has been at my side through everything, and it has aided me in so many atrocities that it is only natural that it should put an end to them. This gun that was unable to protect, only destroy will aid me in the act of destruction that shall end all pain.
I raise the gun and press it against my head.
I know it’s selfish to do this on Duo’s big day, but it’s the only way I know how to end the story of my life. I won’t have to fight anymore. I won’t have to kill the little girl anymore. Most importantly, I can be with Relena again.
All I have to do is pull the trigger. It’s so simple. Just like all the other times that I have taken lives, it’s so simple. Just pull a trigger, and it’s over. Just push a button and life is extinguished. No effort, no remorse. So easy.
Why is it so easy to take life away? Why is it always so easy for me? Why can I only destroy and never protect? I am an expert at taking lives, why can’t I save one? Why is it easier to take away my own life than to try and put it back together?
It’s too easy. This can’t be all there is to it! Maybe I need to write a note, something to explain to the others why, or at least something to explain it to Shino. No, I can’t. I never would be able to explain the pain of my life, and I know I couldn’t explain the pain of losing Relena. They can’t possibly understand. They haven’t been through what I have. Relena was everything to me, and without her here I have nothing to live for anymore.
My grip tightens.
Relena wouldn’t want this.
video phone rang again. Heero, confused, put down the gun and answered
it. It was Duo, grinning broadly and looking generally pleased with himself.
In his arms was his newborn baby girl, who appeared to have h\inherited
his intelligently mischievous eyes.
“Heero! I thought I’d be wakin you up or something! You okay…?”
“…Yeah. Sorry I wasn’t there.”
“No prob, man!” Duo moved around so his newborn daughter would be more visible. He beamed proudly. “It’s a girl. She’s got my eyes, and I think she got Hilde’s nose! Hilde and me, well, we talked about this a little while ago and I want to tell you now. Well, actually, Hilde asked me to. If it was a boy we were gonna name him Solo after an old friend of mine. But since it’s a girl…” Duo got a strange look on his face. “We want to name her after Relena. I mean, if it’s alright with you and everything.”
Heero started noticeably.
“…And we wanted to ask you if you wanted to be her godfather. How about it, buddy?” Duo looked hopeful.
“…Relena? She’s…Relena?” Heero looked confused.
“Yeah. Relena Helen Maxwell. I think it sounds kinda nice, don’t you?”
Heero blinked. “…Yes.”
“Hear that, ‘Lena? Lookit the screen! That’s your uncle Heero! Well, I’d better go show her to the others before they riot since I woke them up at 4 in the morning. What time is it now?”
“Damn. Well, thanks, Heero. I mean it.” Relena began pulling Duo’s braid.
“…I see she’s already got you wrapped around her finger.” Heero grinned.
“Eeeh, not daddy’s hair….aw MAN, not in the mouth!! …See ya later, Heero.”
* click *
I fall to my knees.
Relena….he named her Relena….and I’m her godfather…
I have to protect her. Shino and Ariana too. I must guide them and make sure that they don’t turn out like me. I must make sure that they don’t make my mistakes, that they have compassion, that they don’t become emotionless like I am.
More than that, I myself have to learn emotion again. That is my new mission.
This is going to be so hard…
Don’t turn away
I pray you’ve heard
The words I’ve spoken
Dare to believe
For one last time
And then I’ll let the
Darkness cover me
Slowly walk away
To breathe again
On my own
Carry me away
I need your strength
To get me through this
Dare to believe
For one last time
And then I’ll let the
Darkness cover me
Slowly walk away
To breathe again
On my own
Lyrics by David Draiman of Disturbed
Music by Disturbed
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