A Different Shade
January 28th, 2002

..........A different shade... Ever look up at the sky and notice that it's a different shade of blue? I wonder if I'm the only one who notices sometimes. The only person whoever takes the time to look up at the sky and realize it looks different than it did yesterday.
..........I had a lot on my mind I'd rather rant about, than ramble idly of. But this is supposed to be a nice shrine, so I decided instead to compose a little piece of my philosophy, questioning and reasoning through the things that annoy me, rather than complain loudly about them, and make myself a hypocrite. ... Though we are all hypocrites. It's human nature. Some of us are just worse than others.
..........Have you ever had a conversation where you mention something bad happened to you and have it turn into a "who's got it worse" discussion? With other people saying "Well, this happened to me..." and other nonsense? It's pathetic? Why would anybody want to make themselves appear worse off than somebody else? I'll tell you why. People want the attention. Any kind of attention, be it pity/sympathy, or something else. Of course there's just 'sharing bad times together', but that's different.
..........People want attention, which is natural. By nature, we are social creatures. We generally like being around people. We all like attention. But some people aren't content with what they get, and these are the people who irk me. I have seen people I know be (beyond) over-shadowed by others because they simply don't know how to handle those who demand to be in the spotlight all the time. It's a sad state of affairs to see people live in fear of upseting a person by simply not showering enough attention on them. Getting angry and not talking to somebody just because they don't agree with you, didn't jump to your defense, or just didn't tip-toe around your oversensitivity... I find that to be a cruel form of false friendship, that is almost down right emotional abuse. It's manipulating. These people will not talk to people who upset them, and sit and wait for their victims to come, begging forgiveness. I despise that sort of behavior. Why? Because it has happened to me before. (Though I realized it, and eventually put a stop to it for myself.)
..........Sure, it's some what the victim's fault. Even though nobody can really make you feel bad, or use you, unless you let them. To a degree at any rate. Maybe they aren't self-confident enough or strong enough to live without the 'friendship'. But then again, I tend to have high standards for myself, and I stupidly expect others around to me have the same standards. And they don't. For whatever reason, they don't have the self-confidence, or the will-power, or the self-respect, or even the simple brains to realize they're being used. I truly feel bad for victims of this social game.
..........Don't tell me that's how society is. That only the 'strong' survive. I won't believe it, and I know that's not how it is. The internet, schools, offices... They are full of the tiny replicas of our larger society. I believe there are two types of 'strong' people. Those who trample others, and those who try to help the people who get trampled. Some in the gray area who do a little of both.
..........Some people proclaim how they are always a victim. To restate myself... Your only a victim if you let yourself be one. To a degree. There are somethings a person can't control. But people should damned well be able to control themselves. You don't have to let what people say or do verbally hurt you. (Physically, well, then you should be going to the police.) Again, because I don't believe I should care if John/Jane Doe thinks this or that of me, I expect others to be like that too, or at least, to try to be. Even though I know lots of people aren't. It's bad fault of mine, and I admit to it. I admit it sometimes makes me look down on certain people too. Anyways...
..........Even if you are a victim, or have had terrible things happen to you... You can't use that as an excuse for anything you do, or to justify anything you do. You cannot hide behind it. Not for a long. 
..........Some people blame society.  But what IS society? There are many definitions of the word, but I break it down to this. A society is a bunch of people who are connected to each other in one way or another. I am a human on Earth. I am part of the global society. I am an American, I am part of American society. It goes all the way down to this. I am a Espernet user, I am part of Espernet's society. I chat in #Reploid_Productions, and I am thus part of that society. That group of people. To blame society for your own faults, actions, or things that happen to you, is to blame a group of people. You can't hold groups of people responsible for your actions, or that of any other person. The only people responsible for their actions is the individual who does them. For example...
..........Sure, I could say that I blame the Catholic faith for my terrible semester in private school. I could blame the Catholic society for it. But no. I blame the people themselves who disliked me for not being Catholic. I blame the people who said to me 'What are you doing here? You don't belong here. You should go someplace else.' for saying it. Because THEY said it. Not every Catholic out there. I can only blame myself for letting it get me down. If I'd had better brains about me at that moment, I'd have told them that the school accepts non-Catholic students, does not require they participate in religious activities according to the contract, and that they could sit on it for all I cared. But I didn't. Not at that direct time. Moving along... I could again blame the Catholic society for my terrible time with the head of campus ministry at the private school. But I blame Father 'John Doe' for it, and oh do I blame him. For every single word he said. He is the one who belittled me for my not being Catholic, and he is the one who I made my stand against. I fought back tears in his office, and while my sister found me crying the car after school, I still told that priest that my beliefs were, in my exact words, "None of your business." And I'm pretty damned proud of it. Of course, I can't say the general Catholic society has given me reason to like them... Never the less, some of my friends are Catholic, and I hold nothing against them for it.
..........Well, I think I've made my point... and for those who complain, complain, and complain... I believe that if you aren't going to do something about or problem, or at least try to... That you should shut the hell up. That's all, and please, don't get offended; I use the word "you" in the general sense. I'm not accusing anybody reading this of being this way! ~ Kaioshin no Miko

..........On a side note, for anybody who is curious about my dealings with Father'John Doe'... About a month after the incident, he, a good horse rider, was thrown from his horse and broke a rib. Needless to say, I felt evil genki when I heard about it. Also, a letter to the principal from my mother with a detailed account of what happened from me, got Father 'John Doe' royally chewed out. ~ KnM